“People teach others how to treat them, not by what they say, but by what they repeatedly allow.”

One of the most important lessons I have learned during more than twenty years as a therapist is this:

The way people feel about themselves has an enormous impact on the relationships they create and tolerate.

People often assume that poor boundaries, people-pleasing, or staying in unhealthy relationships are simply bad habits.

In reality, these behaviours are frequently rooted in something much deeper.

Self-worth.

The more you value yourself, the less likely you are to accept behaviour that undermines your wellbeing.

The more you respect yourself, the easier it becomes to say no.

The more you like yourself, the less willing you are to tolerate disrespect, manipulation, criticism or abuse.

Conversely, when self-esteem is low, people often become vulnerable to accepting treatment they would never tolerate if they truly believed they deserved better.

This does not mean that people are responsible for being mistreated.

Abusive behaviour is always the responsibility of the person engaging in it.

However, our sense of self-worth can influence how quickly we recognise unhealthy behaviour, how strongly we respond to it and whether we remain in situations that are damaging to us.

What Does It Mean To Like Yourself?

Liking yourself does not mean believing you are perfect.

It does not mean arrogance, narcissism or thinking you are better than other people.

Healthy self-esteem is much simpler than that.

It is the belief that:

• You matter.
• Your needs matter.
• Your feelings matter.
• Your opinions matter.
• You deserve respect.
• You have value regardless of mistakes or imperfections.

People with healthy self-esteem understand that they are flawed human beings, just like everyone else.

But they do not see those flaws as evidence that they deserve poor treatment.

They do not believe they must earn basic respect.

They do not view love as something that must be constantly fought for.

Why Low Self-Esteem Creates Vulnerability

Many people with low self-esteem enter relationships carrying an invisible question:

“Will this person finally prove that I am lovable?”

This can create problems.

When your sense of worth depends heavily on another person’s approval, their opinion begins to carry enormous weight.

You may become more willing to:

• Ignore red flags
• Make excuses for bad behaviour
• Accept criticism
• Prioritise their needs above your own
• Avoid conflict at all costs
• Stay in unhealthy situations

Not because you enjoy being treated badly.

But because losing the relationship feels even more frightening.

Psychologists refer to this as contingent self-esteem.

Your value becomes dependent on external validation rather than an internal sense of worth.

Research suggests that people with low self-esteem often report greater fear of rejection and are more likely to remain in unsatisfying relationships because they doubt their ability to find healthier alternatives.

The Link Between Self-Esteem and Boundaries

Boundaries are often misunderstood.

Many people think boundaries involve controlling other people.

They don’t.

Boundaries are about deciding what behaviour you will and will not accept.

A healthy boundary might sound like:

“I am happy to help, but I cannot do that today.”

“If you continue shouting at me, I will leave the conversation.”

“I understand you are upset, but speaking to me disrespectfully is not okay.”

Boundaries protect emotional wellbeing.

However, setting boundaries requires something important.

You must believe you have a right to have them.

This is where self-esteem becomes crucial.

People who value themselves tend to recognise that their time, energy and emotional wellbeing have value.

People with low self-worth often struggle to give themselves the same permission.

Why People-Pleasing Develops

Many people who struggle with boundaries are not selfish.

In fact, they are often exceptionally caring.

The problem is that their caring extends to everyone except themselves.

People-pleasing frequently develops in childhood.

Children may learn that approval comes from:

• Being helpful
• Avoiding conflict
• Meeting other people’s needs
• Being easy to manage
• Keeping others happy

Over time, these patterns become deeply ingrained.

The person learns:

“If people are happy with me, I am safe.”

“If people are upset with me, I am not.”

As adults, they may become highly attuned to other people’s needs while remaining disconnected from their own.

This often leads to exhaustion, resentment and unhealthy relationships.

The Hidden Cost of Being Too Nice

Many people take pride in being nice.

Kindness is a wonderful quality.

But there is an important difference between kindness and self-sacrifice.

Healthy kindness says:

“I care about you.”

Unhealthy self-sacrifice says:

“I matter less than you.”

People who consistently prioritise others at their own expense often experience:

• Burnout
• Anxiety
• Resentment
• Emotional exhaustion
• Low self-worth

Ironically, relationships often become healthier when people stop trying to please everyone.

Why Healthy People Often Leave Earlier

One pattern I have noticed repeatedly in therapy is that people with healthy self-esteem tend to leave unhealthy situations sooner.

Not because they are cold.

Not because they are selfish.

But because they recognise warning signs more quickly.

When someone repeatedly disrespects them, they are more likely to think:

“This relationship isn’t healthy.”

Rather than:

“What is wrong with me?”

This distinction is profound.

People with low self-esteem often internalise problems.

People with healthier self-esteem are more likely to evaluate the behaviour itself.

Attachment Theory and Self-Worth

Attachment theory offers further insight.

Psychologists such as John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth demonstrated that early relationships shape expectations about ourselves and others.

Children who experience consistent care often develop a secure attachment style.

They learn:

• I am worthy of love.
• Other people can be trusted.
• My needs matter.

Children who experience inconsistent, critical or emotionally unavailable caregiving may develop less secure patterns.

They may grow up believing:

• Love must be earned.
• I am not enough.
• People leave.
• My needs are a burden.

These beliefs can profoundly influence adult relationships.

Why Criticism Hurts More When You Don’t Like Yourself

Everyone dislikes criticism.

But criticism often feels devastating when it aligns with existing insecurities.

Imagine someone secretly believes:

“I’m not good enough.”

When a partner criticises them, the criticism feels like confirmation.

The words resonate with an already painful internal narrative.

People with healthier self-esteem tend to evaluate criticism differently.

Instead of automatically accepting it, they ask:

“Is this true?”

“Is this fair?”

“Is this person’s opinion reasonable?”

They do not automatically treat criticism as fact.

Research on Self-Esteem and Relationships

Psychological research consistently links self-esteem to relationship quality.

Studies by relationship researcher Murray Bowen and later relationship researchers found that people with lower self-esteem often experience greater sensitivity to rejection and more relationship anxiety.

Research by Mark Leary suggests that self-esteem functions partly as a “social monitor,” helping us gauge social acceptance and belonging.

When self-esteem is low, people often become hypervigilant to signs of rejection.

This can lead to:

• Overthinking
• Reassurance seeking
• Fear of abandonment
• Difficulty setting boundaries

Other studies have shown that individuals with higher self-esteem generally report greater relationship satisfaction and healthier interpersonal functioning.

Why Manipulative People Target Low Self-Worth

Manipulative individuals are often skilled at identifying vulnerability.

People with strong self-esteem tend to challenge unreasonable demands.

People with weaker boundaries may be easier to control.

This is one reason emotional abusers frequently begin by undermining confidence.

Criticism.

Gaslighting.

Shaming.

Isolation.

The goal is often to weaken the person’s sense of self.

The less someone trusts themselves, the easier they become to influence.

This is why improving self-esteem can be so protective.

The Difference Between Confidence and Self-Worth

Many people confuse confidence with self-esteem.

Confidence relates to what you do.

Self-esteem relates to who you are.

You can be:

• A successful professional and have low self-esteem.
• Attractive and have low self-esteem.
• Popular and have low self-esteem.

External achievements do not automatically create internal worth.

Some of the most accomplished people I have met privately struggle with feelings of inadequacy.

True self-worth comes from accepting yourself despite imperfections.

Signs Your Self-Esteem May Need Attention

You may struggle with self-esteem if you:

• Find it difficult to say no
• Feel responsible for everyone else’s emotions
• Stay in unhealthy relationships
• Constantly seek reassurance
• Fear disappointing people
• Apologise excessively
• Ignore your own needs
• Feel guilty when setting boundaries

Many people assume these behaviours are personality traits.

Often they are symptoms of deeper self-worth difficulties.

How To Build Healthier Self-Esteem

Improving self-esteem is rarely about repeating positive affirmations in the mirror.

It usually involves changing how you relate to yourself.

Challenge Your Inner Critic

Notice how you speak to yourself.

Would you talk to a friend the same way?

Keep Promises To Yourself

Self-trust grows when you follow through on commitments.

Learn To Tolerate Disapproval

Not everyone will like you.

That’s okay.

Healthy boundaries sometimes disappoint people.

Spend Time With Respectful People

Relationships influence self-worth.

Choose people who value and respect you.

Practise Saying No

Small boundaries build confidence.

Every time you protect your wellbeing, you reinforce the message:

“My needs matter too.”

Therapy Can Help

Many self-esteem difficulties are deeply rooted.

They may stem from:

• Childhood experiences
• Bullying
• Trauma
• Criticism
• Rejection
• Difficult relationships

Therapy can help identify and challenge the beliefs that keep self-worth low.

Many clients discover that the problem was never a lack of value.

It was simply that they had never learned to see their value clearly.

Final Thoughts

The more you like yourself, the less willing you become to tolerate poor treatment.

Not because you become arrogant.

Not because you stop caring about others.

But because you finally recognise that your needs matter too.

You stop accepting crumbs when you deserve a meal.

You stop chasing people who repeatedly hurt you.

You stop shrinking yourself to make others comfortable.

You stop confusing self-sacrifice with love.

Healthy self-esteem changes relationships because it changes what feels acceptable.

Once you genuinely believe you deserve respect, it becomes much harder to tolerate disrespect.

And that may be one of the most powerful forms of protection we can develop.

Therapy With Mandy Kloppers

If you struggle with low self-esteem, people-pleasing, unhealthy boundaries or difficult relationships, therapy can help.

I am Mandy Kloppers, a BABCP Accredited Cognitive Behavioural Therapist with over 20 years of experience helping people overcome anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, relationship difficulties and emotional challenges.

I offer therapy both online and in person near Guildford, Surrey.

Website: https://thoughtsonlifeandlove.com

Location: Bramley, Surrey

Online sessions available worldwide

Languages: English, Afrikaans and French

Together we can explore the beliefs that may be holding you back and help you build healthier confidence, stronger boundaries and more fulfilling relationships.