I realised something fundamental today while driving and in my own little world. (I seem to do some of my best thinking at this time of the day). I realised how important and empowering self-reliance is.
Believe in your capabilities
It is important to be able to focus inwards. it is incredibly empowering when you can remind yourself about at what you can control and what you can’t. All we really have control over is our thoughts and actions. It’s wasted mental energy to worry about what others think and do. It’s the quickest shortcut to stress and worry. Rely on yourself instead of expecting others to fulfil your needs or requirements in life. Ask yourself regularly what it is that makes you happy. What are your values?
If you do not know your values then it is high time that you explored your life a little and discovered what it is that is most important to you. For some it is a sense of family and for others it is love.
Here are some top values for you to consider:
Being adventurous
Feeling free
Status power and money
Nature and animals
Education
Feeling competent and able
Unable to make decisions freely
Keeping fit and healthy
Being sexually desirable
There are many more values than the ones I have mentioned above but hopefully, this will give you an idea to help you put together your list of top values are. The more you live your life in line with your values the happier you will be. Values act as a natural antidepressant and act as a buffer against anxiety and depression.
Build yourself a strong foundation
A strong foundation is created when you know what your values are and you are also aware of your strengths and weaknesses. The more self-aware you are the better equipped you will be when life gets tough.
Along with knowing your values and who you are as a person, it is important to know how to include those values in your life. There is no point in knowing your values if you don’t apply that knowledge. If you enjoy freedom, why are you stuck in a job or a relationship with very little freedom? These are the kind of questions you can ask yourself.
If you love keeping fit, ask yourself how you can include this value in your life. Perhaps you could try an online Yoga course or sign up to a gym nearby. Problem-solve and take action.
Being too reliant on others for your sense of identity
When we rely on others too much, we dilute our own sense of power. We become frustrated and disappointed when our expectations of others aren’t met. Yet, more often than not we have relinquished that control to someone else and made them responsible for some of our needs. This is fine when it comes to certain emotional needs but when it relates to our own sense of achievement and progress – it is down to you.
Others can help along the way but you have to see yourself as the fire, or the catalyst, that ignites the process. Don’t wait for someone else to create the spark for you. if not now, when?
Consider all the barriers that you have placed in your way
No doubt, you will have told yourself many reasons as to why you cannot accomplish something. It might be a lack of self-confidence, a lack of funds or some other reason that you feel stops you. Remind yourself that many of these barriers will just be your beliefs and thoughts and they may not even be realistic. You only to yourself to challenge these barriers and find ways around them. Often we are our own worst enemies when it comes to self-improvement and reaching our goals.
Start telling yourself that you can achieve whatever it is that you dream up. Of course, you’ll need a clear plan with clear simple steps but if you don’t believe in yourself and try, you’re not going to even reach the first step.
I have found that my personal development soars when I see myself as an individual and move away from merging with my partner.
It’s important to connect and bond with a spouse or partner but it is just as important to stand apart and maintain your own sense of identity and preserve your own goals and dreams.
I often come across mothers who have lost themselves in the process of becoming a wife and parent. They don’t think ahead and when their children start to live their own lives they experience a mid-life crisis and wonder who they are and what their purpose is.
The expectations and roles of motherhood are more easily defined whereas defining yourself and moving in directions that are unique and, perhaps never before attempted, can be scarier.
Consider where you gather inspiration from?
Being introverted doesn’t mean that you have no friends and are a social misfit, it means that you turn inwardly for strength and inspiration rather than looking for it from external sources. Life is all about balance and it is important to find inspiration from all areas in life. Be aware of your sources of inspiration and resilience and use them well. When you feel frustrated or stuck in life, ask yourself why this is. Is it because you are relying on someone else too heavily to make things happen?
The good news is that if this is indeed the case, you can turn things around. Define where you want to be and figure out an action plan to get there. Don’t wait for approval from others (you don’t need approval from anyone) and don’t make excuses as to why you can’t do it on your own.
You are far more capable than you know. Give yourself the opportunity to find out…
Mandy x
Author: Mandy Kloppers
Mandy is a qualified therapist who treats depression, anxiety, OCD, PTSD, trauma, and many other types of mental health issues. She provides online therapy around the world for those needing support and also provides relationship counselling.
