Mandy Kloppers

Loveless Marriage

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Loveless Marriage

What do you do when you realise that you are in a loveless marriage? The affection has disappeared, the sex is gone and you live together as virtual strangers in the same home. Sadly, this is a common state of affairs and a loveless marriage isn’t something that just arrives on your doorstep one day. It is a slow insiduous process that debilitates a relationship and develops over time.

Life is hectic and we often settle into a way of life, one of us works and pays the bills whilst the other takes care of the home and the children. This is stereotypical and many modern relationships divide up their roles and chores uniquely but for the purpose of this post I will stick to the stereotype.

As a relationship progresses, we begin to fit into a typical routine and we learn to function quite well. The danger is when the functional side of the relationship becomes the mainstay of the union and the real important stuff ( like doing nice things for each other, communicating and being kind and caring to one another just for the sake of it) starts to dwindle.

I believe that more than 80% of relationships will end up loveless if the effort is not put in on a regular basis to stoke the embers of love and consideration.

Suggestions to reconnect and restore love:

1) The most obvious one: spend quality time together.

This does not include discussing the household budget, doing gardening or other similar ‘functional’ activities. This involves really engaging with each other by communicating and really listening to each other.

2) Share an unusual activity together

Whether it’s going on a rollercoaster, bungi jumping or attending a new lecture together – try to increase the novelty in your relationship. This shakes up the existing dynamic and allows you to see different aspects to your partner’s personality

3) Kind Gestures

Do small favours for each other, like making each other a cup of tea or coffee or buying them their favourite scent. Anything that you don’t normally do and that you don’t HAVE to do. It conveys consideration and will improve the goodwill between you.

4) Compliment each other

Be positive towards each other and show appreciation. This goes a long way to reinforcing positive dynamics and to bringing you closer together

5) Communication

Talk often and make it count. Ask each other important questions – find out about each other. Do you know your spouse’s favourite colour, film, food? Talk about feelings too and never make assumptions. If you have sensed something negative from your partner, don’t dwell on it and become angry – ask for clarity. You may have it wrong and even if you don’t, talking about underlying issues clears the air and allows the positive energy to return. This sets the stage for reconnecting.

If your relationship has been loveless for more than 18 months, it might take a while (at least another 18 months) before the relationship is back on track. Make an effort every day to reconnect and try to find that person you initially fell in love with. Something must change though in order to the relationship to emerge stronger than before. Both parties need to be committed to working at it. I have never come across a relationship that is still happy when both partners do their own thing and don’t sacrifice a little for the sake of the relationship. If you still love each other – anything’s possible.

If you would like further help – purchase my ebook “save my relationship” based on actual couple counselling sessions that I have given.

Mandy X