Over the years I have noticed interesting phases in the cycle of relationships.I have been alarmed at the number of people in their twenties who seem to have settled for second best. They have gone on to have children with people they are not compatible with and the inevitable degradation of the relationship is already taking it’s toll at this early stage.
Looking after children means that the children often become the focus of the relationship. The couple stop giving each other enough attention and time and can end up as strangers in the same house with overindulged young children. This definitely seems to be an increasing phenomenon.
Sex becomes less frequent and then added complication of an affair can cause further distress.
It seems that life has become too stressful, there’s information overload and so many pressures that many relationships start to slip away with many only realising this when it’s too late.
Couples that come to see me for counselling often come as a last resort. It can be very difficult to restore the goodwill in a relationship after months or years of resentment.
I cannot stress enough how important it is to do regular ‘health checks’ on your relationship. Keep an eye on whether communication is decreasing, whether you are starting to lead separate lives and aren’t connecting as often. All relationships take work.
Sadly, another pattern is emerging of couples separating in their thirties. In comes the existence of blended families and another variable is added to challenge relationships.
Disciplining step children is fraught with issues and can cause daily problems if not handled sensitively.
I have come across so many married men having affairs. This seems to occur after years of feeling sidelined. The wives give up on sex – too tired/too many chores etc and men get restless. I am always amazed though at the amount of naive women out there who are entirely certain that ther husbands would never cheat on them. My experience shows a very different picture.
Wives should never become complacent. I am not saying that having an affair is right but it seems an inevitable consequence. Lack of communication, busy lives and constant demands make it more difficult to constantly tend to a flailing relationship.
Women in their late thirties/early forties seem to be disillusioned with life. They spend their lives playing ‘taxi’ to their older offspring and never seem to have enough time in the day to get things done. Getting older also affects their perceptions of life and others and an element of reflection can add unease to life. What have I achieved? Am I happy? Is this it??
Funnily enough, we never really talk about this but the experiences I have mentioned above are so common. There is a definite pattern that exists for most people, one that the majority of us go through.
Very important tip – try and live in the moment. Slow down and enjoy NOW. Many of us live for the future and seethe with resentment over the past whilst the powerful present moments slip by unnoticed. Be more present in your life and cherish time with family and friends..also practise gratitude to help keep you positive and happy.
M x
Author: Mandy Kloppers
Mandy is a qualified therapist who treats depression, anxiety, OCD, PTSD, trauma, and many other types of mental health issues. She provides online therapy around the world for those needing support and also provides relationship counselling.
