Mandy Kloppers

Is Monogamy Outdated?


Is monogamy outdated?

According to some reports, monogamy is outdated and polyamorous relationships, involving multiple partners, is in. The ideal for many people is to remain in a loving monogamous relationship.  However, the reality seems to be the complete opposite.  Loving monogamous relationships seem to be the exception rather than the rule.  I can vouch for this when I consider my clients. Of course these kinds of statistics could be skewed as I see people who have sought my help as people in monogamous happier relationships would generally not be looking for my advice.

Monotony in relationships

Having said that, I have noticed that there seems to be a trend of marriage’s breaking up. There are many things that challenge the longevity of relationships.  People grow apart, especially when children appear on the scene.  I see many couples who manage to function on a superficial level and to the outside world they may seem a happy couple. What is really happening is that they are functioning with the day-to-day tasks of childcare, paying bills, working and socialising whilst the important stuff, like connecting and sexual  intimacy are fading away.

The option of an open relationship can seem quite alluring especially when a relationship becomes stale and boring. Some people choose to have secretive affairs whilst others make the full commitment to separate and divorce. Some individuals feel insecure and require desire from others to validate themselves. At times this can be due to feeling they do not measure up in the bedroom.

One option is to use sex toys or consider a device to increase your size – take a look at the Jes Extender as an option to increase satisfaction in the bedroom.

Open relationships, in my opinion, do not work in the long run.  Inevitably, one person will break the rules or inadvertently fall in love with someone else.  This is more likely to happen when a couple invite others to share sexual intimacy. An interesting question to ask is whether true love really means forsaking  all other loves?  Is it natural to only love one person? Is monogamy outdated?

Are we socialised into accepting monogamy as the norm?

Kevin Zimmerman from Iowa State University raised the question of whether we are socialised to believe that to be devoted to a second person is to love the first less.  Zimmerman states that successful open relationships typically involve those who value authenticity over conformity in their relationships.  Open relationships can be characterised by more honesty and better observation of boundaries.  Surveys in America, indicate that 79% of Americans believe that it is wrong for married people to conduct sexual relationships outside of marriage yet the most up-to-date research indicates estimates of infidelity are close to 60% for men and 40% for women.

Evolutionary biology

Now this is interesting, Zimmerman argues that even the shape of the male penis, together with male thrusting, apparently facilitates removal of other males’ semen from the vagina. In monogamous species, males and females are similar in body size and the males sport smaller testicles compared to non-monogamous males -testicle and body size of men in Homo sapiens is what would be expected for a polygamous species.  Our body shape reveals we are not biologically designed to be faithful according to Zimmerman.

Monogamy is also the exception to relationships throughout the animal kingdom.  Only about 3% have been found to be monogamous plus of the world is roughly 400 species of primates, monogamy has been reported for only nine. The rise of online dating, in particular, dating sites the target married people will no doubt lead to an increase in sex outside of marriage. some may see open relationships as a way to bridge the gap whilst still maintaining honesty in the relationship.

I have found that many couples in established relationships enjoy the safety and comfort of that relationship yet despite this they still hanker for excitement outside of that relationship.  This is especially true where men are concerned.  Evolutionary psychologists would explain this as being due to the fact that “survival of the fittest” is still an innate drive in all of us.  Survival of the species means that men need to spread their seed whilst women need to be fussy as once they are impregnated they are ‘out of action’ for nine months.

Whatever the verdict, it seems that the world will always consist of all types of relationships.  What works for some may not work for others.  I have learned to be very open-minded in my work and as a result, I am privy to the multitude of relationship variations that exist. The idealist in me prefers the idea of monogamous relationships but the realist in me sees the natural changes occurring, moving towards an increase in open relationships.

Mandy X

Another article on open relationships that I contributed to in The Independent:

Reference you: guide – sexually-open-relationships at the

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