Mandy Kloppers

Is it love or control?

There is a fine line between love and control. We all want to be loved and sometimes love is actually control disguised as love. Have you ever been in a relationship where your partner lets you know that they know what’s best for you? Do they REALLY listen to what you want or is there a constant (yet often subtle) pressure to do what they want you to do?

Yep, unfortunately, I have experienced control and thought it was love. I have also come across friends and clients who have had similar experiences. It’s time to get clear on what the difference is.

Someone who truly loves you won’t constantly expect the relationship to be what they expect it to be in order for you to enjoy their love. They will accept you as you are.

Here are the clear signs between love and control:

Love doesn’t manipulate

Love is open and honest and doesn’t generally involve passive-aggressive behaviour. Passive aggressive behaviour is underhanded behaviour where someone tries to get their way indirectly. Love is direct and forthright. It is not wishy-washy nor constantly changing to suit current ‘tides’.

Love doesn’t punish

If you don’t play the game, someone who is into control might punish you by sulking or giving you silent treatment or by withholding affection. Love doesn’t behave this way – ever.

Love has empathy

When someone really loves you they will want you to be happy and they will be able to look at their own behaviour and see where their behaviour is impacting upon you negatively. They will try to put themselves in your shoes and try to see things from your point of view in order to solve any issues. Love is fair and rational most of the time.

Love looks beyond itself

Love considers other people and their needs. Narcissists, for example, are in my opinion incapable of proper love. Perhaps they are capable of loving themselves but they don’t know how to rreally love another person freely and genuinely.

Love is faithful and loyal

Love doesn’t cheat and lie. If you want to be unfaithful to your partner, do the right thing and leave rather than going behind their back to get your needs met. It can be hurtful and only considers your needs. Be open and communicate honestly with your partner.

Love isn’t indecisive

You know when you truly love someone, there are no excuses as to why you cannot be with them or why they need to change before you will accept them in a relationship. This is manipulation. Walk away!

Love doesn’t have to be complicated. Be open and be honest. Don’t lead another person on when you don’t really know what you want. If you are unsure tell the other person, rather be brutally honest than make excuses to keep someone hanging in there under false pretences.

If you have the feeling that you never quite do enough to have the person you love in your life, think carefully. If they constantly shift the boundaries and tell you why you don’t quite measure up – warning bells should be going off. It’s easy to miss the signs when you love someone but don’t be a fool. If someone loves you they will commit without punishment, without false promises or without demands that you need to do things differently.

Mandy X



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