Emotional Wellbeing

Mental Health



Mandy Kloppers

How to identify a narcissist quickly

Before I continue with ways to identify a narcissist quickly, I want to explain that there are always exceptions to the rule. Life is made up of a lot of ‘grey’ and is never ‘black-and-white’. The tips in this blog post will give you direction and guidance when figuring out if a prospective partner might be offering more than you bargained for.

These are the important things to look out for if you would like to identify a narcissist quickly:

Are they interested in you and do they ask questions about you and your life?

Narcissists only care about themselves. They are charming and adept at playing the role of an interested admirer. They can ask all the right questions and often make you feel incredibly desired in the beginning. Generally speaking, narcissists will always divert the conversation back onto themselves.

Over time, their tendency to be self-absorbed will become far more noticeable. Their motto in life is, ” is what’s in it for me?”

They have few genuine friends

Narcissists can be skilled where comes to networking and they will surround themselves with people who are wealthy, good-looking, and powerful. They do this because it reflects well on them and makes them look popular and successful. However, when it comes to genuine in-depth friendships, they are often lacking in this department.

Narcissists lack empathy and because of this, they struggle to maintain long-term close friendships. They tend to see people as objects and use them according to how they will further the narcissist’s goals.

They will rarely sacrifice for others unless it makes them look good

Narcissists do not practice humility and they will rarely sacrifice for another unless it will raise their popularity stakes. The general rule is that they will always put themselves first and your needs will always take a back seat. Of course, if they are still winning your affections they will be willing to put in the extra work until they have you hooked emotionally.

You see, for narcissists it’s all about control. You can often identify a narcissist quickly by their desire to always be in control. They like to be the one who makes the decisions and see themselves as superior and entitled when it comes to selfishly pursuing what they want. Narcissists often attract empathetic individuals as empaths tend to be laid back and easy-going, as well as being people pleasers. This works exceptionally well for the narcissist who seeks an obedient admirer rather than an equal partner.

Narcissists tend to be hypocritical

Another easy way to identify a narcissist is to consider how hypocritical they are. It’s not uncommon for narcissists to be unfaithful yet they will expect complete fidelity from you. They will find it acceptable to spend large amounts of money on themselves but will judge you if you spend money on yourself. They will expect you to make time for them, but when it comes to them sharing their precious time with you they can become resentful.

Be prepared to never get your needs met if you stay in a relationship with a narcissist.

Narcissists like to ‘call the shots’

As I mentioned earlier, narcissists like to be in control. Some of this need for control stems from the fact that they are chronically insecure underneath. A coping mechanism is an overcompensation for this insecurity by being incredibly controlling. They may subtly control you by putting you down, diminishing your confidence and to make you feel as if you aren’t good enough.

They will be subtle about it, you won’t hear them directly say that you are not good enough. A narcissist will cleverly get the message across by saying something like, ” did you even get a proper education I can’t believe you don’t understand the concept?” etc or they will mock something you say or the way you dress or perhaps a meal you cooked won’t be good enough.

What non-narcissists do:

They always have time for you and can easily put themselves in your shoes when things aren’t going well for you. They will sacrifice their time and resources to help you solve a problem. A non-narcissist will rarely fly into a rage, shout or scream, or intimidate you.

They value people and don’t see them as a means to an end. Non-narcissists can find happiness in the simple things such as spending time with loved ones and feeling connected whereas narcissists constantly need the next ‘hit’ and are rarely satisfied with the simple things in life. Narcissists often harbour a lot of anger and resentment and project this onto others around them.

Non-narcissists possess empathy and are less likely to be unfaithful because they can understand how it would feel if that happened to them. Narcissists find it very difficult to understand how it would feel unless it’s actually happening to them.

Non-narcissists find it easy to apologise and to own up to any mistakes they have made. A narcissist finds it intolerable to admit they have made any mistakes. This admission would be far too threading for them and denial is the best option. Narcissists always fear that they will be exposed as not being good enough, and as a result any admission of failure on any level has to be avoided at all costs.

Narcissists very rarely take responsibility for their negative actions. They will either deny or gas like you in an attempt to evade the pressure focusing on them. An example of gaslighting:

They remind you of a party that you have to attend an hour later and when you protest and saying you knew nothing about it they will turn it around on you and say that you have forgotten and that they absolutely did tell you. The reality is that they didn’t tell you but gaslighting leads you to believe that you are going crazy. Narcissists are clever at encouraging your own self-doubt.


If something doesn’t feel right it probably isn’t right. Everyone is allowed to make the odd mistake but if there is a pattern of negative behaviour and your feelings are ignored – don’t keep justifying their behaviour. Get out as soon as you can or see a couple counsellor together.


Mandy X


Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash








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