Relationships should be spaces of safety, growth, and mutual respect. But for many, relationships can become emotionally draining and deeply confusing—especially when you’re entangled with someone who uses psychological manipulation as a form of control. These mind games may not always be obvious, but over time, they can erode your confidence, twist your reality, and leave you second-guessing yourself.

Not everyone plays games, of course—but those who do tend to be emotionally immature, insecure, or narcissistic. These individuals often rely on manipulation, ambiguity, and power dynamics to get their way—consciously or unconsciously—rather than communicate honestly.

In this post, we’ll explore some of the most common mind games unscrupulous people play in relationships, why they use them, and how to spot the signs early before deeper emotional harm is done.

1. Gaslighting: Making You Doubt Your Own Reality

Gaslighting is one of the most dangerous and psychologically destabilizing tactics. The term comes from the 1944 film Gaslight, where a man manipulates his wife into believing she’s going insane by subtly altering her environment and denying her observations.

In relationships, gaslighting can look like:

• Denying things they said or did: “That never happened.”

• Telling you you’re overreacting: “You’re too sensitive.”

• Dismissing your memory: “You always get things wrong.”

Over time, gaslighting chips away at your self-trust. You begin to doubt your perceptions, question your feelings, and rely on them as the authority on what’s “real.” This gives them more control while you become increasingly disempowered.

Why they do it: To avoid accountability, gain dominance, and keep you in a submissive or confused emotional state.

2. Silent Treatment and Emotional Withholding

The silent treatment isn’t just passive-aggressive—it’s a form of emotional punishment and control.

Rather than express anger, disappointment, or hurt in a healthy way, the person shuts down completely, withdrawing affection, communication, and validation. This can last hours, days, or even weeks.

It feels like:

• Emotional abandonment

• Walking on eggshells to win their approval back

• Feeling punished but not knowing what you did wrong

Why they do it: To regain power, make you chase them, and assert dominance without confrontation. It’s a way of making you feel like the “bad guy” while they remain aloof or self-righteous.

3. Hot and Cold Behaviour (Push-Pull Dynamic)

One day they’re all over you—loving, attentive, present. The next, they’re distant, cold, or even cruel. This emotional inconsistency creates confusion and anxiety.

This hot-cold pattern keeps you emotionally off balance and hooks you in with hope. You spend energy trying to get back to the “good” version of them, which often only reappears when they want something or feel you pulling away.

Why they do it: Intermittent reinforcement (like a slot machine) strengthens your emotional dependence. This cycle is common in emotionally unavailable or narcissistic personalities who fear intimacy but crave validation.

4. Blame-Shifting and Inversion of Responsibility

Unscrupulous individuals rarely take genuine accountability. Instead, they shift blame back onto you—even when they’re clearly in the wrong.

Examples:

• You catch them lying, and they accuse you of being controlling.

• They lash out emotionally, then claim it’s because of your “tone.”

• You express hurt, and they say you’re just “playing the victim.”

Over time, this teaches you that your pain is your fault. You begin to question whether you’re always the problem, and may over-apologize or suppress your needs to avoid conflict.

Why they do it: To avoid shame, preserve their ego, and keep you in a position of emotional subservience.

5. Triangulation (Using Third Parties for Control)

Triangulation is a psychological tactic where someone brings in a third person—real or imaginary—to create jealousy, insecurity, or competition.

It might look like:

• Constantly mentioning an ex: “She never complained about that.”

• Flirting with others in front of you to get a reaction.

• Telling you how desirable other people find them.

This game plays on your self-esteem and creates a dynamic where you feel like you have to “win” them or compete for their attention.

Why they do it: It makes them feel powerful, keeps you insecure, and ensures they remain the centre of attention.

6. Love Bombing and Idealization

In the early stages of a relationship, some people come on extremely strong—showering you with attention, praise, and intense declarations of love. This is known as love bombing, and while it may feel flattering, it can be a trap.

Warning signs:

• They say “I love you” or talk about the future very early.

• You’re their “soulmate” within days or weeks.

• They want constant contact and time together immediately.

Eventually, the pedestal you’ve been placed on begins to wobble. The same person who adored you now critiques, withdraws, or devalues you.

Why they do it: Often used by narcissists or emotionally dysregulated people, love bombing is a way to hook you fast, secure your loyalty, and build a quick attachment before their real behaviour emerges.

7. Guilt-Tripping

Guilt-tripping is when someone manipulates your sense of responsibility to control your behaviour.

Examples:

• “After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?”

• “I guess I just care more than you do.”

• “Fine, do what you want—I’ll just be here alone again.”

This game makes you feel guilty for having boundaries, needs, or even a separate identity. You may begin to overgive, over-apologize, or self-sacrifice to avoid their disappointment or emotional withdrawal.

Why they do it: To get what they want without asking directly and to create emotional leverage.

8. Creating Confusion Through Mixed Messages

A hallmark of manipulative people is ambiguity. They say one thing, do another, and leave you trying to decode their real intentions.

You might hear:

• “I’m not ready for anything serious,” but they act like a committed partner.

• “You mean so much to me,” followed by ghosting.

• “I never said that,” when you clearly remember that they did.

The inconsistency forces you to focus more energy on figuring them out than on your own needs or wellbeing.

Why they do it: To avoid commitment while keeping you emotionally invested. It creates control through confusion.

9. Moving the Goalposts

This occurs when someone constantly changes expectations or rules, making it impossible to meet their standards or gain their approval.

Examples:

• When you meet one of their needs, they raise the bar.

• They criticize you for not doing something they never asked for.

• They invalidate your progress because “you should’ve done that ages ago.”

You may begin to feel like you’re never good enough, constantly working to earn their love or validation.

Why they do it: To keep you striving for approval and to maintain emotional power over the relationship dynamic.

10. Feigning Victimhood

Unscrupulous people often position themselves as the perpetual victim, even when they’re the one who caused harm.

Watch for:

• Rewriting events to cast themselves as innocent

• Weaponizing their trauma or past to excuse bad behaviour

• Accusing you of being the abuser when you set boundaries

This tactic not only deflects responsibility but also uses your empathy against you.

Why they do it: To manipulate you into guilt, lower your defenses, and gain the moral high ground.

How to Protect Yourself from These Mind Games

1. Recognise the Pattern

If something feels off but you can’t explain why, listen to that intuition. Manipulative dynamics are often felt before they are understood.

2. Keep a Journal

Documenting what was said, how you felt, and how they reacted can help you spot inconsistencies and gaslighting over time.

3. Set and Enforce Boundaries

You don’t need to justify or explain your boundaries to anyone. If someone pushes against your boundaries repeatedly, that’s a red flag.

4. Stop Explaining Yourself to Manipulators

If someone is committed to misunderstanding you, no amount of explanation will help. It will only fuel the game.

5. Seek External Perspective

Talking to a therapist or trusted friend can provide clarity. Abusive dynamics often thrive in isolation and confusion.

6. Remember: Love Should Not Be a Puzzle

Healthy relationships are marked by:

• Emotional safety

• Consistency

• Mutual respect

• Clear communication

You should not feel constantly anxious, confused, or like you’re the only one trying to make things work.

Final Thoughts

Mind games are a form of emotional abuse, even when they’re subtle or unintentional. You deserve to be in a relationship that nurtures your self-worth, not one that slowly erodes it through manipulation.

If someone makes you doubt yourself more than they make you feel seen or safe, it may be time to take a step back and ask: What part of me is still hoping they’ll change?

And more importantly: What would it look like to choose myself instead?

If you would like to speak to someone – you can call Mandy, a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist based in Guildford in Surrey (UK), who has herself, been in abusive relationships and has over twenty year’s experience with coercive control and domestic abuse.

Get in touch: mailto: mandyjkloppers@live.co.uk