Be irrestistable

charisma photo

Be irrestistable

Some people get nervous when I talk to them about being irrestistable. It triggers their insecurities and they begin thinking about how they have never been or felt a part of the ‘irresistable brigade’. Therein lies the source of the problem before we have even begun.

Our inner dialogue and how we automatically see ourselves can limit us immeasurably. Especially if the way we see ourselves is negative or leads us to believe we are inadequate or inferior in some way. The initial step to being irresistable is to believe it is true for us and that we have within us all that is required to be irresistable. It starts with the beliefs about ourselves.

It is also important to never compare yourself to others. We tend to place a value on everything, this is good..that is bad. Comparing tends to take this form too and is self destructive. We compare ourselves (mostly unfavourably) to others but the truth is, comparing serves no positive purpose. Think of each person, including yourself, as unique. See it as impossible to compare yourself to others – we are all so different and others see us differently – beauty is definitely in the eye of the beholder.

Focus on your strengths – are you witty, a good conversationalist or great at organising? We all have our unique blend of talents. There is no other person like you who consistently sees the world the way you do, who will act the way you do and say the things you do. Be proud of who you are- work with what you’ve been given.

One of the most alluring things is self confidence – someone who is happy in their own skin. Learn to love who you are, warts, cellulite and all…being your number one fan allows others to buy into that too. Being your number one enemy will encourage others to see that too.

Once you’ve decided that you like who you are (more or less – there’s always room for improvement for all of us)…you can get to work focusing on others. Charismatic people have a way of making others feel great about themselves. People love the way they feel when around charismatic people and this encourages others to seek them out. Pay attention to the company you’re in – really listen instead of preparing your response to what they are saying. When you make a person feel valued and special it’s like giving them a magic potion that makes them really like you. Trust me it works. Of course, be genuine about it. Liking people and wanting to know about them and their stories often guarantees that you will be sought after.

Other qualities that work well are: being non judgemental – we can all judge others, that’s not difficult. It is much harder to live and let live. When you come across as approachable, warm and genuine your ‘energy’ will draw people to you.

Imagine people liking you, wanting to chat to you – why wouldn’t they want to? (Remember your inner dialogue needs to be positive…) Our inner world and what we tell ourselves gets mirrored in the external world so choose your thoughts carefully. What do you want to believe about you? You can choose – your thoughts are not facts so choose thoughts that work week for you and boost you. Be effervescent…be irresistable – you are the only one stopping yourself.

Mandy X

 

 

 

Photo by new 1lluminati

How to get rich

 

wealth photo

How to get rich

I see clients who have done very well for themselves. Many of them tell me that it’s easier to appreciate things in life when you don’t have money. They say that being rich makes you lose touch with reality. Perhaps that’s why wealthy people do drugs and push the boundaries because the little things don’t matter like they used to. They also tell me that balance in life disappears.

I asked these clients what they believe is needed to get rich and here is a summary of what they told me:

1) Hard work and luck

The harder you work, the luckier you get – the old cliche. It does seem to be true though. Hard work, putting yourself out there and self belief can all make things happen. Sometimes luck is needed though and it can be a case of being in the right place at the right time to make the formula work well.

2) Be self employed

It’s unlikely to get rich on a salaried job. You live according to the amount you get paid and you line the pockets of your employer. Be open to opportunities, Find someone doing what you want to do and copy them but do it better.

3) Revolutionary talk

Find your niche – the less competition the better. The harder it is to copy or imitate the better.It’s a lot easier to come up with something revolutionary rather than try and exploit a tried-and-tested method. A great example – Rubik’s cube. Different times demand different strategies. The tycoons of the 1800’s like John Jacob Astor made their fortunes by trading animal fur and real estate, or in shipping and railways. After that, fuel – such as oil and wood became big business. The 1900’s kicked off with steel. Henry Ford got exceptionally rich with cars. Robson Walton did the same with Walmart in 1962. At the moment – IT and the online market  is the money vein to tap into.

4) Building a foundation

In order to rise above the mundane and the boring you need to put in a lot of effort – beyond the 9-5 schedule. But it’s not making the money – it’s about being able to manage and sustain it. Making money too quickly can lead you to losing it quickly too. Build up slowly and conquer each level well before moving to the next.

5) Got it, keep it

It’s not that easy to stay at the top.  You have to have the need to achieve not just the need to get rich. The assumption by people who don’t get rich is that those who do are hell bent on making money. It’s not true – they just want to achieve. People who get rich tend to lose the yearning for a Rolex watch. Sure, they’ll have a nice house and drive a nice car but not everyone who’s rich wants those things. Often, rich people are consumed with achieving and happen to make loads of money in the process.

6) The big achievement

Money is less important once you have it. People who aren’t wealthy have many misconceptions about what it is like to be wealthy. There are still problems – they may change in nature but there will always be problems – it’s human nature. High levels of self belief are essential for success and be prepared to become a calculated-risk taker.

There is enough success out there, tune your thinking in to visualising how your life will be. Work hard and don’t give up.

Mandy X

 

 

 

Be yourself

 

funny faces photo

Be yourself

We all compare ourselves to others and often it’s not in favourable terms. We tell ourselves that if we were thinner, richer or more outgoing that we could be happy and have the life we want. I am hoping to give you a different perspective on this in this post.

Think of Sienna Miller, Cheryl Cole or Maria Shriver – they are all beautiful yet their men had affairs behind their backs. This shows me that even being gorgeous is no guarantee of happiness and love. So…any thoughts about not being pretty enough and needing to be more beautiful to have a happy relationship with love and stability are flawed. The lesson here is to stop yearning to be something/someone else and get stuck in with accepting yourself and working with what you have.

Money…it’s great to think about all that we could do with a lot of money and while it’s true that money does give you more freedom to choose in life, it does not mean that life suddenly becomes easy without any problems. Think of the sad case of Robin Williams. His death refutes any ideas that money can fix life’s issues and make you immune to the troubles of the general population – not true. Many wealthy people end up doing drugs as they become desensitized to life and need a higher fix each time. Having money does have it’s down sides! It’s fine to want more money but it’s not helpful to see money as a way to solve life’s problems. Sometimes it can add to the problems – not knowing if people like you for who you are or for what you can do for them.

It can be very self defeating to think about what you don’t have and imagine that if you had these things in your life, you would be so much happier. It might be true but it might not. Don’t wish away possibilities for happiness now. By resisting who you are and comparing yourself to what you think is a better, more ideal life can leave you feeling depressed and anxious. Thoughts are not facts – challenge what you choose to believe. If it makes you feel sad, think of life in another way. Choosing thoughts that support you will give you a much better quality of life and a happier existence. Just be yourself – be genuine and have confidence in you – this is the most alluring way to be.

Mandy X

 

 

 

 

Photo by miss pupik

How to influence others

 

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How to influence others

Whilst it isn’t possible to fundamentally change other people, there are subtle ways to bring others around to your way of thinking. Here’s how…

1) Figure out how open to change they are

We all sit somewhere on the “cycle of change”. The different phases are – precontemplation, contemplation, decision, action to change, maintenance and lapse. The further they are along the cycle relating to a particular subject, the more easily they will respond to influence. (see below).

cycle of change

 

 

For example – if you would like someone to give up smoking, identify whether they are at the precontemplation stage (they haven’t even considered giving up at all) or whether they are further along – they are thinking about it (contemplation), they are in preparation phase (buying patches or looking up a hypnotherapist, for example) and so on.

2) Mirror their motivation to change

Matching and reflecting a person’ level of motivation builds empathy. Meet them at their level and offer support. If a person is at the precontemplation phase and has not yet begun the process, drawing attention to the negative consequences of their behaviour will help to move them forward to the contemplation stage.

3) Develop discrepancies to push move change forward

This occurs when we show the other person how their behaviour is inconsistent with how they would like to see themselves. Do they see themselves as kind, healthy, generous and fair? How does their behaviour deviate from this?

4) Emphasise the benefits of change

Reinforce the costs to them if they don’t change and the benefits of they do. Show them what’s in it for them. Help them to overcome hurdles and help them to keep a clear goal of where they want to be.

5) Be patient and tolerant

Ensure that you separate behaviour from the person. When someone feels they will only be accepted once their behaviour has changed, it can cause them to relapse or be less motivated to change. Let the other person now they are worthy and valued with or without the required behaviour. Be supportive and patient as many people lapse at times when it comes to change.

Everyone can change, once the seed is planted it is important to keep ‘watering’ it. Most people want to improve and grow and be a better version of themselves. Work in the ideals of a future person who is happier and healthier and find ways to show the person you wish to influence how their life could be better if they made the changes. Changes that will only benefit you and not the person you are trying to persuade will usually fail. It has to be a win-win situation.

Mandy X

Photo by pedrosimoes7

This is how it’s always been done

 

monkey photo

This is how it’s always been done

This experiment below shows why you should always question everything… never accept what doesn’t work. This monkey experiment is illuminating and disturbing.

 

There is a clunky word that describes this phenomenon: filiopietism, or the reverence of forebears or tradition carried to excess. But I prefer another term for it: the tragic circle. I believe many of these tragic circles exist, mostly unseen, in across all cultures and societites, causing untold harm. When discovered, they should be terminated.

The lesson is as obvious as it is important: question everything. Dare to be skeptical. Think of all the age-old idiocy and insanity waiting to be exposed.

 

* Stephenson, G. R. (1967). Cultural acquisition of a specific learned response among rhesus monkeys. In: Starek, D., Schneider, R., and Kuhn, H. J. (eds.), Progress in Primatology, Stuttgart: Fischer, pp. 279-288.

My life lessons summarised

 

life lessons photo

 

My life lessons summarised

I have been presented with many situations that have challenged me, and many of these have had me scratching my head at the underlying lesson. I certainly think I have had my fair share of troubles. Born with Cystic Fibrosis, a difficult loveless childhood and several rare health disorders – one that nearly killed me at age 25, I had many opportunities for post traumatic growth!

I thought it would be a good idea to share with you the lessons I have learned through my personal struggles as well as through many common lessons I have come across in the work with my clients. I hope that these tips for life help you in some way…

1) It’s crucial to love and support yourself

When you love yourself and like the person you are, it helps you deal with many difficult situations. For example – it helps you withstand criticism from others, it assists with getting old, with being true to yourself…and with self belief –  others don’t always know better. Insecurities are less likely to be triggered and you end up more secure in relationships. If you don’t like you who fundamentally are, ask yourself why. If you don’t then others are unlikely to follow – your inner world will be mirrored externally. Show others your value by starting with valuing yourself. I didn’t value myself when I was younger and invited abuse and disrespect into my life without realising what I was doing. Now, it happens less because my inner dialogue is healthier and my behaviour has changed.

2) Everyone has self doubt and insecurities

It’s so easy to feel inferior. We compare ourselves to others and assume they are so together and we aren’t. We assume that they have everything, or that they are everything that we aren’t. It’s time to realise that you are not comparing equally. You are in effect comparing your “behind the scenes footage” (all the offcuts, all the bad bits) with another person’s “highlight reel” – (what others are willing to show you – all their good bits. Facebook is a good example!).

Stop comparing and realise that when you do this it will only make you feel worse and it isn’t a fair accurate representation at all. I guarantee that if you could see the full comparison you would have a different opinion about your life compared to others. Your life is never that bad and theirs is never that good.

3) Manage your thoughts – what you tell yourself about who you/your life determines the quality of your life

Your inner state determines your external world. What are you telling yourself about life? If you are cynical, mistrustful and angry this will manifest in your life. If you choose to be more open minded and trust that life is unfolding as it should and that life is supporting you,even at times when life is tough, (there may a higher reason – it pays to be philosophical rather than say “this just confirms I am awful etc”) you will find that your general happiness levels rise.

We look for events in life to affirm our beliefs – if our beliefs and thinking are negative, we inadvertently look for things in life to prove this (known as cognitive bias). Try thinking the opposite. Try not to overgeneralise and give each new person and situation the benefit of the doubt. Talk to yourself in a positive manner too.

 

4) Being true to yourself is a constant work in progress

There are many barriers to being true to yourself in life. Other people, the pressures of society, protocols, etiquette, expectations, finances..the list is endless. Being true to yourself starts with self awareness. Once you have an idea of what it is that really gets you buzzing, work at moving in that direction a little at a time. Resistance will be all around but never give up. Introduce elements into your life that move your closer to your goal by volunteering in the area of interest or go away for a weekend to try out the things you like…move closer all the time. Getting closer to your true self is the path to contentment.

5) Living with integrity helps improve contentment and inner peace

Be the same person no matter what the situation. We all change a little depending on the company we’re in or the situation but never change your fundamental values. Never gossip and don’t be two faced. I used to change what I said depending on who I was with and wanting to be liked and accepted was more important than liking myself and being a decent person. Now, I stick to my guns and will defend someone I like even if the present company disapproves. Decide what you believe and stick to that. Others will respect your for it and your confidence will grow as a result. You will be trusted too.

6) See the bigger picture…always look beyond the trivial day to day stuff

The ebbs and flows of life are normal. Sit tight during the tough times and  don’t resist with statements like “why me?”…or “it’s so unfair” – this keeps you stuck and feeling powerless. Instead,  accept the experience (this doesn’t mean you have to like it) and go with flow until you come out the other side..it’s natural. We’re all on this “up and down” ride together.

7) Take responsibility

When we see ourselves as a victim and blame our parents, our health, our circumstances etc we effectively give our power away. We send ourselves a consistent message that we are helpless and powerless because the situation we are in was created by things beyond our control. This is self defeating behaviour. Yes, it’s true that we aren’t always dealt the best cards in life but it pays to work with what you have in order to feel empowered.

I could’ve sat back and thought how sad my life has been and how everyone owes me somehow but what good would that do me? I would most likely grow old, bitter and twisted.

It’s easier to be a victim though because then you don’t have to try to make the best of your life. When others notice you can just blame your sad life on others. The thing is we are all responsible for where we end up in life. The decisions we have made in the past have led us to where we end up. Many people with awful childhoods manage to turn their lives around…your parents may have caused initial damage but you allow them to continue that damage, even after their deaths if you don’t work hard as an adult to counteract their early negative influence.

You still choose what to think and what to do. You choose who to let into your life and you choose how you let others treat you. You choose your beliefs. You choose whether to give up and see yourself as a victim or whether to accept the challenge to better yourself in spite in the tough circumstances. A tough realisation for some but it’s never too late to claim back your power.

 

8) Focus on what you want, not what you don’t want

If you wan’t to be slim, focus on how you will look and feel when you’re thinner. If you want a happy home – visualise this almost as if you have it already. When we focus on what we don’t want – war, famine etc we tend to focus on that energy rather than pulling positive energy in. Think about people with enough to eat, push positive thoughts into the world. Some believe this energy can change things. I recently watched a documentary by Gregg Braden – very interesting. I am not sure what I believe about this but I do see value in focusing on what we want rather than on what we don’t want. I like the idea that the universe and the energy within it responds somehow.

9) Live a life with meaning and purpose

What would you want people to say about you when you are gone? Would you like to be admired and remembered for honourable reasons? Think about what your life’s purpose is and if you don’t have any purpose it may be a good time to  start thinking about what you want to do with your life. I believe we are all here for a reason – to find our strengths and to use this to somehow add positively to the world. It could be in the smallest way possible but I like to believe that we are all meant to be here to fulfill a purpose. What gets you emotional? Where do the interests of your heart lie? Follow this – refer to “being true to yourself”(point 4) to help you with this too.

10) Connect with others, appreciate good people in your life – they are gifts

Always make time for special people. See them as gifts in your life. The happiest times in my life have been when I am enjoying a shared moment with a friend. Sounds corny but other people are where it’s at. Those people who inspire you, who care about you – they need to be nurtured. Show them you care and connect as often as you can. If you are isolating yourself from others, it is highly likely that you are choosing (on an unconscious level) to believe negative thoughts about relationships – get to the bottom of it as it is healthy to bond with others and share life experiences.

Even though I am constantly learning and know some important life truths, it doesn’t mean that I am good at applying them. Life is kind of like an experiment – we are all learning as we go, The trick is to try different ways of thinking and doing to open up new paths instead of staying in the same old rut, coming to the same old dead end over and over again.

Mandy X

Photo by symphony of love

Why we all need to let go

 

relax photo

 

Why we all need to let go

There are so many opportunities in life to get all churned up about negative things that happen to us. The incident may be over but we relive the event in our mind over and over. A certain amount of thought is normal and natural but when we cling to something obsessively it begins to hurt us and possibly even cause psychological damage. Learn to let go.

We all need to learn to let go and acknowledge that we can’t control others nor some inevitable experiences that we don’t wish to have. All we can control is who we decide to let into our lives and how we react to others. No matter how wonderful, gorgeous or rich we are – we still cannot stop others from making hurtful remarks, from triggering our insecurities or from rejecting us – leading to us feeling unworthy or unloved. So, it pays to learn to let go of the things we cannot control.

How to let go

Acceptance is key. Some times bad things happen. It may have less to do with you than you think so try not to personalise other people’s behaviour. Sometimes, it’s all to do with the other person’s shortcomings and has nothing to do with you. Let go.

A good sense of humour is also essential in helping you to let go. Don’t take life too seriously. Learn to manage negative emotions and think about how you  might feel about things in a year from now.

Keep perspective. Good and bad is a part of life, sadness and happiness, ups and downs…learn to ride the waves and enjoy the highs, survive the lows. Don’t allow the ‘lows’ to turn you into an anxious, self loathing person. Let the lows help you appreciate the highs and also use the low points to teach you and strengthen you.

Realise it isn’t always about you – let go and don’t personalise. As I mentioned before – when life is tough or others treat us badlt, many of us (especially women) internalise this negative emotion and blame ourselves or see it as proof that we are unloveable, unworthy,…………….fill in the blank space!

Focus on empowerment – what you can do to improve the situation without the cooperation of other person (or outside influence, things beyond our control) where possible. Go out, make new friends, take up a hobby, spend less time with toxic people. Learn to let go and take life less seriously.

Mandy X