Stop holding on to negative beliefs

 

negative thoughts photo

Stop holding on to negative beliefs

Seriously – allow more inspiration into your life and less perspiration. You can choose your beliefs about the world. What you believe shapes how your life will be more than you realise.

There is no need to struggle. There is no need to suffer. Learn to relax by feeding yourself thoughts that make the world a friendly, less scary place.

When you work too hard at something, it might just be that somewhere in your mind you don’t believe you deserve it.

What is your inner dialogue like? What story do you tell yourself on a regular basis? Do you believe you are insignificant and unimportant? Believe it or not but this type of thinking will make it more likely that this will be true for you.

Believe in possibilities, believe in the goodness of others…don’t allow the world to beat you down and turn your sweetness into bitterness. You can choose to believe that things come easily and you can choose to believe that life will always be a struggle. Your beliefs will affect how your life turns out.

Believe that life supports you. Reframe limiting self beliefs – who you think you are can’t handle it but who you REALLY are can…

Say “yes” to being a better receiver. Open up to help and support…look for all that life offers you. If you are engaging in the wrong beliefs, you won’t see the opportunities.

We tend to look for things in the world that confirm what we think about the world. SO if you believe negative things, you will be confirming these to yourself every day.

Try to believe the opposite and make a choice to ACTIVELY look for the opposite of what you believe – you will find it.

Mandy X

Photo by symphony of love

Dealing with the Haters in life

 

enemy photo

Dealing with the Haters in life

It’s not about you – don’t personalise

Haters have their own problems. Don’t make their problems your problems. When they are mean they are giving you a ‘taster’ of what their inner experience of life is – angry and miserable. They feel that way all the time – feel sorry for them!

Hate is a learned emotion

We don’t hate when we are born. If we can learn to hate, we can unlearn it. Hate is a negative emotion that is like a virus in a host – it will eat you up. Learn to let it go. There is no need to hate and most hate comes from ignorance. Expect a hater to be ignorant.

You can’t change them

Don’t waste energy trying to get them to see your views. Haters will hate – that is what they choose to do until hopefully the realisation hits them that it serves no happy solution-based purpose to hate so much. Steer them in the right direction to find ways to hate less but never take it upon yourself to ‘fix’ them.

Watch the energy around you. Don’t take on board their negative energy

Haters give off negative energy. They aren’t inspiring, they seem themselves as victims. We can all feel this way at times but if someone remains this way year after year be aware of the effects they may be having upon you longterm.

Limit time with them or cut them out altogether

Haters are draining to be around. Limit your time with them.

Natural emotions: anger, fear, love, grief, envy    not hate….

 

 

Mandy X

Photo by eVo photo

What is intimacy?

 

 

intimacy photo

What is intimacy?

 

“Intimacy is not who you let touch you. Intimacy is who you text at 3am about your dreams and fears. Intimacy is giving someone your attention, when ten other people are asking for it. Intimacy is the person always in the back of your mind, no matter how distracted you are.” Unknown

 

Just wanted to share the above quote….

Mandy X

Photo by .oO( Stephan (-_-) )

Learning self acceptance

 

 

inspired person photo

Learning self acceptance

No amount of self improvement can make up for a lack of self acceptance. There are two sides to each of us – our ‘essential self’ – the person you were born to be before you became conditioned to act a certain ways by society. Then there’s your ‘social self’ – the ‘acceptable’ you that has been show how to behave in the presence of others.

Essentially this gives us all the message that we are fundamentally not okay as our essential selves. What an awful message!! This leads to most people lacking in self esteem and feeling they are not good enough.

Understand this – you are GOOD ENOUGH. Everything that you are and that you have inside is all you need to be amazing, to be successful and to achieve peace of mind. You don’t have to accept society’s warped version of who you should be.  Our social self is constantly under bombardment – wear these clothes, drive this car. act like this and you will be accepted. Your essential self feels wonderful without having to do anything. If you lack self esteem and constantly feel inferior to others, you are far too tuned in to your social self.

There is nothing wrong with you. Finding your essential self means turning inwards and focusing upon what you REALLY want instead of what you feel is expected of you.

How to reconnect with your essential self:

Laugh more

Be childlike and curious about the world

Maintain a neutral perspective as much as possible. Keep an open mind and find out first before you make up your mind. Get rid of preconceived ideas about the world and others.

Don’t take yourself too seriously

Stop listening to others, especially those that are negative and cynical and tell you that you can’t do something

Take time out from your busy life – make time to be playful and have fun

Make your own rules and decide which rules that others have made work for you

Watch the news less

Think positively about others and see them as fun and engaging rather than having fearful suspicious thinking of everyone (to a degree obviously with this one…don’t be naive).

Get in touch with your emotions instead of operating on ‘auto-pilot’

Live more in the moment

Start identifying rules that you have put in place. for example – I can only enjoy myself once I have exhausted myself and worked hard. Look at each rule and see whether this belief is one you wish to carry around with you and adhere to. Be wary of rules that keep you limited and stop you achieving your true potential.

Be fearless, be brave and choose thoughts and rules that empower you and help you to get out there and live your best life possible.

Mandy X

inspired person photo

Photo by symphony of love

Photo by Celestine Chua

Thoughts on marriage and divorce

 

marriage photo

Thoughts on marriage and divorce

I have never been married. Not that I have ever been against marriage but I have never felt the urge to marry anyone. I honestly don’t believe that marriage strengthens or weakens a relationship – if it is the right relationship, it will last regardless. I am also not idealistic enough to buy into the idea of “till death do us part”.

In some ways, marriage causes more problems than it solves and I have come across many people who were doing just fine together until they married each other. Go figure!

Many reasons for divorce can be positive. Gender roles have changed dramatically, eroding the traditional structure of marriage and creating conflict. There is more equality between males and females and people are living longer. Many relationships now are more than just a ‘romantic pairing’, it has become a transaction. As long as each person’s needs are being met, the relationship continues. When one or both people begin to feel misunderstood or alone on the relationship, the marriage transitions into a restless zone.

When costs go up and rewards decrease, the future of the relationship is in jeopardy. So there will always be a threat to marriage with each person asking themselves, “Is this marriage making me happy?”.

Less serious reasons are arising for divorce – such as being boring in bed as opposed to more serious reasons such as infidelity.

Those who survive marriage are emotionally mature and they realise that even someone who loves them to their full capacity can still hurt and disappoint them. They realise that no one is perfect and that marriage involves sticking together through the tough times and emerging stronger and more bonded than before. Marriage is definitely not a ticket to a permanent state of romantic bliss as many Hollywood movies would have us believe.

To me, true love is sticking by someone even when the going gets tough as well as making a commitment to support that person and help them achieve their true potential. A friendship that helps you to grow.

Mandy X

 

The benefits of being a misfit

 

odd one out photo

The benefits of being a misfit

You think for yourself

Being a misfit often means that a person is a critical thinker. By this I mean that they will not automatically accept what they hear via the media nor will they openly mass thinking without evaluating it for themselves and looking at all the angles. Many people have opinions based on mainstream thinking. A misfit might do this at times but mostly they challenge mainstream thinking rather than automatically accepting it.

You don’t change who you are to fit in with the ‘popular’ group

Misfits are more steadfast in their beliefs and values. As a result, being a misfit involves sticking to personal beliefs and values no matter they company they keep. Misfits tend to live with more integrity and say what they mean. They won’t say they dislike someone just because the group they are in dislike that person.

You are more likely to achieve your true potential because you are more self aware and less easily influenced by others

One of the five most common wishes of the dying is that they wished they had been more true to themselves instead of going along with what everyone else wanted. When you’re a misfit, you find it easier to ‘go against the grain’ and avoid the brain washing that we all get via the media, our parents, politicians and teachers. They care about others but have the inner wisdom to still follow what they feel will ultimately be the best for them in the long run.

 You are more likely to have high levels of self confidence

The benefits of being a misfit definitely involve confidence. It takes confidence to stand up for yourself, be assertive and follow your own path. Misfits live a life that is ‘inside out’ – driven from within rather than lives are designed from ‘outside-in’ – driven by the need for approval from others and the need to be validated and accepted above everything else, including their own self worth.

You are less likely to be a people pleaser

Being a misfit involves doing your own thing and having an opinion even if that opinion is not the flavour of the day. Misfits don’t go out of their way to stir up conflict but they also won’t change what is important to them just to keep the peace.

You’re not afraid to deal with rejection and negative attention to achieve your goals

Misfits have an inner dialogue that keeps them moving forward. It’s important to them to stay on their path of learning and achieving goals in line with their values in spite of resistance from others. Even when others don’t understand the reasoning, a misfit will keep at it. Misfits have a healthy attitude to ‘failure’ – it’s a lesson rather than something that is shameful.

More likely to be successful

Many of the successful people I have interviewed have had rejection and felt ‘the odd one out’ in life. This has fuelled them to try even harder to do what they want rather than court favour with others just to be liked. If being liked means accepting other people’s beliefs and values, they would rather go it alone.

I have a lot of admiration for misfits – they are brave enough to stand out and do their own thing and we need misfits to help change the world and shake up the status quo…as long as it is done with love and there is no malice involved.

Mandy X

 

Photo by kumsval

The benefits of cognitive behavioural therapy

 

the brain photo

The benefits of cognitive behavioural therapy

When people read my book “Destination Delinquency?” which is all about my upbringing and formative years, they find it almost impossible to believe that the person written about in the book is the same person that they see today.

People who meet me automatically assume that I come from a privileged, happy background and I believe my positive outlook and successful lifestyle is down to personal development, a lot of it involving Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT).

I grew up with a lot of negativity. I was called “stupid” and “useless” and was regularly told what a liability I was to my parents. The early messages I received were certainly not conducive to the creation of a happy, self confident adult. Those messages still haunt me from time to time but I was determined to find a way to lessen the impact of my parent’s destructive attitudes and find a way to lead a life using my potential to the best of my ability.

I started by treating myself with more self respect. I began to alter my inner dialogue and decrease the amount of negative self talk that I was so used to engaging in.

At first it didn’t feel right but over time, talking to myself as I would some one I loved dearly made a huge difference to my life. Try it for yourself, at the end of each day, write down 3 things that you did that made you feel proud of yourself that day. It can be minor things such as smiling at a stranger or the fact that you got out of bed 5 minutes earlier – anything that helps you to feel good about yourself. Do this for 30 days and you will be AMAZED at the results. We tend to find it harder to remain neutral about ourselves or think positively but getting into the habit of thinking positively about yourself is a great habit to get used to.

This is part of cognitive behavioural therapy – the “cognitive” part which involves noticing your negative thoughts. Once you are aware of them, the next step is to challenge them. Thoughts are NOT facts and it’s important to understand why you think the way you do – especially if it is negative and doesn’t help you in any way. Ask yourself where the evidence is for that thought…real evidence, not assumptions or mind reading. They don’t count.

The “behavioural” part involves doing things that oppose your negative thinking. If you believe that you are “useless” in social situations – find ways to prove the opposite to yourself. Start with small steps but make an effort to put yourself into social situations where you can prove that you aren’t completely useless. It has never happened before where I have found a client who has a negative belief that is ALWAYS true for them. There will always be at least one exception and if that is the case, the thinking is no longer valid.

That is the essence of cognitive behavioural therapy – challenging the negative thinking that upsets us and makes us anxious and then applying the new thinking to our lives.

Thanks to the benefits of cognitive behavioural therapy I have become more confident and like myself a lot more than I used to. I also don’t talk to myself with as much negativity as I used to. Passivity has been replaced by assertiveness and although I am not immune to life’s stressors, I have more inner resources to help me cope.

If you feel anxious or depressed and/or feel you didn’t have the best start in life, consider cognitive behavioural therapy. It’s a wonderful way to start changing the way you see the world and this in turn will help you to feel more content. I am talking from personal experience and I highly recommend it.

Mandy X

 

What to do when you’re worrying too much

 

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What to do when you’re worrying too much

1) Remind yourself that it won’t last forever

Change is inevitable and the wheel of life trundles on. Use this to your advantage when life feels miserable – things will change, new chapters will emerge.

2) Try to look at your situation in another way

Ask yourself if there is another way to look at your situation/your worries. Have you thought of all the different aspects? Where is the evidence for your thinking? Is your thinking accurate or are you basing your thinking on assumptions? Try to focus on the facts and be more rational about what is happening. Take the emotion out of the equation as much as possible.

3) Be aware that you’re experiencing life, like everyone else is

Welcome to the human race. You wouldn’t belong here if you didn’t experience ups and downs. It’s a part of life so keep the ‘downs’ in perspective and give yourself a pat on the back for surviving the lessons of life.

4) Distract yourself

Too much time is never good for a wandering worried mind. If you can do something about your worries, do it and then distract yourself. If there is nothing you can presently do then distract yourself until such time when control is back in your ‘court’.

5) Look at the facts, ignore assumptions and “what ifs”

Often we live our lives in our heads. The reality may be very different to what we FEEL is going on for us. We may feel lonely and scared and feel unloved and from this thinking we may withdraw and listen in to our inner dialogue of how useless and lacking in value we are. The reality may be very different and others may find you incredibly loveable and wonderful, if only they could find you…which they won’t because you are hiding and feeling sorry for yourself. Learn to separate emotional thinking from what the reality is.

Remember this: the map (your thinking and perceptions about the world around you) is NOT the territory (the actual reality of what is going on and how others may perceive you).

6) Be aware of your “triggers”

Triggers ignite emotional responses and that’s when we begin to feel out of control. When you know what your triggers are – for example, feeling insecure, being around a certain person or being in a situation where you feel helpless you can develop strategies to avoid these situations or have a system in place to manage the situation.

We all worry too much…we all subject ourselves to unnecessary mental torture but you can stop this masochistic behaviour and learn to talk to yourself in a kind way, ignore emotional thinking and distract yourself when you feel worry taking over. Learn to enjoy the moment.

Mandy X

Photo by erin leigh mcconnell